Confusion. Mixed feelings. Opposing thoughts. Warring personalities. That feeling when everything that you thought worked, doesn’t anymore. And the new things that you learnt and replaced the old ones with? They don’t work either. So you’re basically lost. Once, you knew exactly how to handle situations. Now you don’t. Then you learnt how to handle it differently. Now it doesn’t work. So you let others take over. Something you never did before. Because you feel incapable now. Once, you weren’t. You were independent. You were self-sufficient. You were you.
You ever feel like a part of you has been lost somewhere in the past? You know what you lost, but don’t know how to correct it. You don’t even know if you ‘should’ be correcting it. Even if you want it back, you don’t where to look, because you don’t know where you lost it. And sometimes, you know that if you could get it back, it would be worth it. But you don’t know the consequences either.
Like you made a mistake. You know you made it. You know approximately when. You just don’t know why or how. You don’t know what happened. You’ve thought, looked, searched a long, long time but never got closer to getting the answer. Maybe because you don’t want to know the answer. Or maybe because you already know the answer and you don’t want to admit it. It’s possible that you don’t know the answer at all, of course. And you do want to know it, because it’s a missing part of your life. Of you. Isn’t that why you’re searching? Isn’t it? Or is it? You think you’re searching because what you lost is precious, was precious. But you too are lost when you try to find it . Lost within yourself. So you stopped looking. Or you pretended that you did.
But the people looking, they don’t care. Not about you at least. They care about themselves, so they broke you. The freedom that you had? They wanted it. So they tried to take yours. They didn’t get it, but they had the satisfaction that you didn’t either. The strength that you had? They envied it. So they melted you. And it seeped away from you, away from them. That opinion that you had? They didn’t understand it. They wanted to make it their own, so they twisted it. And it flew away from your mind, no more your own. That faith that you had? It burned bright. So they doused it, soggy and wilting. So it disintegrated before you. That heart of yours? They squeezed it empty. Your blood was too rich for them. Then you didn’t have any. You aren’t a threat anymore. Just an empty shell. A shadow. They don’t care. Not now.
So you try not to care. But who are you fooling? Every time you zone out- unwillingly- that’s what you think of. And you never do get the answer. You don’t know when you made the mistake. You don’t know whether you want that part of you back. You don’t know if you searched deep enough, hard enough. You don’t know how it will be if you got it back. You don’t know how you feel about it. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know if it was all worth it in the end. And now, you just want to know what it was worth.