TW: eating disorders, suicide and death.
Note: I don’t propogate or support or have any of the ideas mentioned in the piece below. They passed through my mind one day and I thought I’d pen them down. If you need help, please seek help. Taboo is nonsense. Mental health is everything.
If I had an eating disorder, which would it be? Would I have the will power it takes to stay away from chocolate and cheesecake? I hate math too much to be counting the calories in my meals.
I love food too much to be anorexic.
I can imagine myself bulimic though. I could drink lots of water, shove a finger down my throat and vomit the fries I ate earlier. When I felt hungry, I could eat my next meal. Eat whatever I wanted, really. Then vomit it out. I imagine my purse would be full of mints. I’d suck on one for days.
I wonder if it’s worth it. I wonder if psychiatrists can fix someone who knows exactly what they’re doing to themselves.
Which is a worse way to die? Burn, fall or drown?
I’ve always been a little afraid of lighting a stove. I only learnt enough swimming to not drown, but I don’t think I’d survive over a few minutes. I was never afraid of heights though.
Maybe that’s why that’s how I’ll go. Watching the ground rush at me, forceful like the hug of a friend you haven’t met for ages. Just a split second before impact, would I want to live?
If I was reborn as an animal, which would I be? An ant, because I need to learn team work. An elephant for sensitivity. A lizard, for I am far too proud.
A human, for I must suffer. Are humans the only animals who bring suffering upon themselves?
I wonder which is easier – to live or to die? They say those who kill themselves are cowards. But those who struggle to live are afraid of dying.
Maybe they’re both cowards. Afraid of what’s next.
And yet, which is braver- to die having lived or to live only to die?
In frame: @electriclangoor