Posted in Parallel U-knee-verse

If Humans Didn’t Have Knees: Part 3

We will next be recording the statement of our Tropic Youth Games sports coach, Mr. Billy Moore.

We meet coach near the Helipad of the Sports Stadium where a stream of his athletes is descending, punctual to their coaching time. With the Tropic Youth Games just around the corner, coach quickly sends the athletes off to their warm up practices, and having engaged them, spares us some time.

‘Sports are an important part of every individual’, says coach, ‘and every child should have that opportunity. Our body is an important instrument, and we should keep it top-shape at all times. People now are so lazy, what with technology and modernization. It was never like that before, when the games were founded. Back then, people relied on their bodies and their physical capabilities the most. Being knee-less, hopping everywhere was sufficient exercise for our ancestors. Apart from that, they embraced their knee-less existence and formed the Tropic games! It was a great way to bring society together, have fun and love our body as it was. Today, I have to keep telling children about the importance of sports. I have to make sure I keep making up new games and workout routines to keep them engaged.’

What sort of workout routines and regimens do you use, we asked coach.

‘There are many aspects of the Tropic Youth Games’, he explained. ‘Athletics is an individual event which includes two fields. The upper body is one field while the lower body is the other. Upper body events challenge the strength of the athlete’s arms through throwing games like Hammer Throw, Shot Put, Javelin, and the likes. For them, I usually concentrate on muscle building and weights. The lower body events have short sprint events like 100mts Hop, 200mts Hop and longer runs like 1500mts Hop. With them, we work on endurance, speed, and reaction speed. These are the traditional games. Now we have Pogo Stick sprints, Leap Ball dashes, and the kinds. Athletics is in itself vast. Other sports and games are team efforts. For example, swimming. Now, synchronized butterfly swimming is a beautiful team sport! It needs arm strength as well as leg strength. It develops the entire body perfectly and instils team spirit. A more modern version is Synchronized Jetting. The athlete jetters make beautiful patters in the sky by adding various coloured smoke to the jet boots. Now that’s a spectacle! Ice skating, skate boarding and roller-skating are also quite famous in their individual and team forms. My personal favourite however, is gymnastics. I love how the athlete is shot out of a chute and has to make the perfect twirls in the sky. When we were younger, we used trampolines as nothing but toys. But gymnastics transformed it into a sport.’

There are also extreme sports where you are shot out of a chute, have to somersault in the air, land on a trampoline, hold trapeze bars and dive straight into a pool! Dangerous stuff, of course, but there you are. I personally would prefer being on the ground, and hence coach athletics. As if Athletic Iron Man- a combination of 100mt Hop Dash, pogo stick hopping, and butterfly swimming wasn’t difficult enough.’

After hearing about all this, we are sure astonished by the variants of sports we have to look forward to in the coming Tropic Youth Games!

Our next bit of recording will be with Jane Brooke and Yasmin Ahmed, representatives of Knicourse, the fashion brand who is also sponsoring the Tropic Youth Games and the athletes’ outfits.

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Posted in Parallel U-knee-verse

If Humans Didn’t Have Knees: Part 2

Thanking Mr. Muller and Mr. Chatterjee, we will talk to Traffic Police Commissioner Byron Levine.

‘Well, it’s a bloody difficult job if you ask me. Making sure people don’t cross speed limits in the jet boots. Especially those blasted teenagers. Nasty, foolhardy, cheeky chaps if you ask me. They bloody think that zooming around without watching the traffic lights is going to save their lives. That’s the same thinking as puncturing your float and saying you won’t drown. There are institutions of instructors to teach them jetting, but no, the blasted nitwits have to act to smart and go zooming. Trying too hard to impress their girlfriends, the fools. Damn pretty they’re gonna look if they get tangled up and scorch each others’ skins off their beardless faces.

As it is, we have a huge task trying to maintain the sky-tracks and make sure their lights are working good. Just imagine, if you’re zipping along the sky-tracks and don’t see your track light up green to go. It’s going to be a massacre, worse than animal stampedes. All jetters slamming head first into each other. And falling miles right down. It’s not like the earth is a trampoline that the children play on. And if one of the upper sky-tracks fails and ends up as a massacre, all the lower rings of the sky-tracks will also collapse. As you know, the sky-tracks are all connected and the network is huge. It has to be, because now they connect all the places! Parks, residential colonies, business parks, gardens and malls. And we there are also sky-track light-ups to help descending to the aeropads of each place. So basically, all levels will break down, and humans will be laying like a stack of mega pancakes. Even with a little mishap or dysfunction, all areas and aeropads will close down, basically shutting down daily life till the mess is cleaned up. Upon all of this repair and maintenance, these bloody teenagers think its fun to smash into the tracks and their light-ups. What, the traffic instructors are idiots, to teach them in safe sites like warehouses?’

‘What about the older times’, we ask him.

‘Well, those were no better. We had different problems then and we have different problems now. My grandfather told me about the time when he was the Traffic Police Commissioner. Pogo Sticks and Leaping Balls, yes? All on roads, yeah? Muddy tracks now, only children use them. Adults are lazy, my personal opinion. They jet even to their neighbours’. There is a small team of my people dispatched for the care of the road network, but like I said, only children there. Back in my grandfather’s time, he said, traffic police officers had to stand with glowing light sticks in their hands to indicate which part of the crowd could go where. And that too, they had to make sure no pogo stick clashed with a leaping ball mid air, or no leaping ball bumped another one off course. Hazardous, of course. It’s like skittles, all people falling off their vehicles. All over the place. And a bit of the side road used to be designated for new learners and children, who were much slower and would hence, make the traffic slower. At least the traffic isn’t as slow now. But if a mishap happened, as I said before, the casualties would be enormous. Anyhow, nothing to worry about. With me in charge, no such thing happening. No, it ain’t.’

We will next be recording the statement of our Tropic Youth Games sports coach, Mr. Billy Moore.

Posted in Parallel U-knee-verse

If Humans Didn’t Have Knees: Part 1

Knees. An aspect of genetic mutation that completely skipped the human species, here, on Pseudonesia. We, the people of Pseudonesia, have finally started compiling a research paper on the knee-less evolution, including how humans feel about it. In this study, we will try to record all different aspects of our knee-less life. In the hope that if we do evolve into kneed species, our knee-less existence will not be forgotten. And just in case, there are other parallel universes where humans have knees or are missing hips, they can gain insight from our story.

Upon asking Mr. Ashton Muller, a man of religion, about his feelings, he stated-

‘Look, birds can be classified into two types- those with knees and those without. Smaller birds, like sparrows, typically do not have a pair of knees. This is the reason you will see them hopping around. Bigger birds, like flamingos perhaps, do have a set of knees. Hence, they have the privilege of being subject to many words to describe their actions. They can walk, waddle, step or pace. Ostriches and emus can run. And all because of wondrous bone caps called knees. Now, we, humans have been watching these birds ever since we can remember. Sure, we have cool stuff like higher intelligence, variety of food, cameras and college. But birds have wings AND knees. Animals have knees and they can run and sprint and everything, but they don’t have wings as well! Birds are the only ones with both, and no one knows why God blessed them with that advantage.

Humans are a tad bit jealous of birds. Slightly jealous of birds. Quite jealous, actually. No, if we’re saying it, we might as well say it all. We are very jealous of them! The ancient Egyptians worshipped gods who were part animals and birds. Sometimes, I feel it’s because all those animals and birds have knees. Somehow, it makes them higher beings than us, despite everything we have.’

Accompanying him is Mr. Chatterjee, a mechanical engineer. His statement is-

‘Now, I’m proud of all we have. We have compensated for the lack of knees in many ways. One of the first vehicles we built to compensate for it was a pogo stick. It imitated our hopping in an amplified and quicker way, making getaways more possible as compared to hopping around like a bunch of sparrows. For example, if you were at the bar and you hit on a girl, the girl usually responded with throwing her drink in your face. If you hopped, you’d only have time to turn and take one hop. But on a pogo stick, you’d at least be out of the drink’s reach. But the pogo stick had a minor setback. You had to be standing all the time. This later developed into a big ball with loops, through which you could slide your body. So you could lie on your tummy on the ball and leap places. This initially took a lot of time and practice to master but it became a very common mode of transport. This had minor setback as well. It became increasingly difficult for our older generations to sleep and leap so much.

Thanks to our much developed technological advances, we have come up with jet boots. I personally was the Chief Engineer for the project. Now all they have to do is tap their feet together thrice and the jet packs on their boots get activated. This was quite hazardous in the beginning, but soon everyone took to it quite well. The adults use jet boots to get places, while the children still use the pogo sticks and the leaping balls for their neighborhood transport.’

Thanking Mr. Muller and Mr. Chatterjee, we will talk to Traffic Police Commissioner Byron Levine.